The coldness, why is it so real now? I cannot feel my hands. Maybe I’m in the wrong side of the bed. Where’s my phone? Crap! Where is it? So it is 3:11 in the morning. I still got a couple of hours to sleep. And not entertain these thoughts. . . Words. . . Or maybe. . .
They call me John. Every morning I need to prepare for work because that’s the way it is, doesn’t it? You see, I’m that kind of man who is very skeptical and doesn’t believe in anything. Well, that would stir confusion for I believe that I don’t believe in anything and does make my latter statement irrelevant. But I will leave it that way. Work is two streets away and it is very convenient for me that I never thought of finding any other job for 20 years now. But I admit, sometimes I just dragged myself out to work even though it seems pointless.
It seems to me that some people looks like they got it all together. They are happy on what they have and enjoy how it is. Sun goes up then we work, children go to school, lunch, more work then sun’s down we sleep. It doesn’t make sense to me. As for me, we are nothing. You might tell me, no we’re not. I will tell you back why we aren’t? What is it that we are doing today that people before us didn’t? We are just more advance but we have the same needs, desires, routines, and now we are just doing the same things but in a more digital way. It is all meaningless.
There are a lot of times that people from work talk to me about non-sense. You will know because they on telling me about the weather, who won on last night’s football, who’s dating who and things that people just can’t do away with.
A lot of times I wonder, where do these people get there hope from? Why can they put up with this kind of mess and chaos? For me, I don’t believe in a higher power. It all ends here. When you’re done here, you’re done. No second life.
I think they have this word for people like me. Agnostic. I don’t even know what that word means not until they told it to me. I just can’t seem to grasp it when they tell me that there is this God who cares about me. What the hell does that supposed to mean when life itself makes no sense to me? Maybe one day that superpower can stretch a hug to me and tell me himself that He is here for me, for us.
One night in a bar this conversation was brought up and that’s where I got called Grinch. It is not advisable to let your bros know what you’re idea of life is especially when people are about to celebrate on what they called Christmas. People are happy and celebrating even those people who are not going to church celebrates. You may wonder what I feel when this time of the year comes. I just think that streets are busier and there are more things that are on sale than the usual which is also beneficial on my part. People in my street are often gone during Christmas Eve and celebrate it with their family far from this city. Me? You can find me in my apartment watching a movie in Netflix with a pack of Budweiser and chips beside me.
Oh it is still cold, sometimes I wonder if its really cold or I just feel cold myself. When I was a child and they are still trying to convince me that Christmas is something we should celebrate, I wake up to the smell of fresh hot bread and roasted chicken from last night’s Noche Buena. It feels like the sun from the kitchen’s window touches my arms and you can hear the crispness of the leaves while the wind is blowing them as we eat our breakfast. But now, whenever I woke up and it’s 25th, I just see empty beer cans and someone is speaking on the tv that I can’t understand. And for some reasons, it is always cold.
There is someone knocking at my door. I fixed my hair and grab for the knob. It’s the lady across the hall. I’m not prepared for this kind of conversations. She is holding something. I don’t know what to say so I waited for her to say something. “Hi. Good morning!” she said. “Oh , ahm, Hi!” what the hell am I thinking? “I baked something and I thought that I could give you guys some of it” then she handed me the muffins. “Thank you. Sorry I have nothing to give” I could not think of anything better to say. “No worries. I hope you’ll like those. Merry Christmas!” she smiled. “Merry Christmas!” I’m not sure if I should also say that even though I don’t mean it and maybe I don’t want to offend her. I will surely remember her smile. But also, that’s the first time in 20 years that I greeted someone a Merry Christmas. Oh well, maybe that’s a start. Start of feeling warm again.